Free from Fear Part 1

I am afraid to fail. I have always been the ‘perfect’ child who did the right thing, studied hard, got straight A’s, got a ‘good’ job right out of school, etc. I’ve never failed in my life. I realized recently, that “failing” and deciding something isn’t for me, are two different things.

This weekend, I am going through a certification at my gym to be a trainer. I am terrified. I’m in fairly good shape, but wouldn’t consider myself to be a “trainer”. I certainly don’t look like the ones in my gym and am still learning about fitness/eating right. I know what it’s like to be new to a gym, be completely intimidated, and overwhelmed by the work out…I also know what it feels like to jump on the second plyobox unassisted (achieved Saturday!!!), do an atomic push up, and chin ups standing on a low box. I know what it’s like to start at the bottom and work your but off up that hill. That’s why I want to be a trainer–to help others achieve what I have. So, I’m just taking a leap of Faith…and if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. It’s not the end of the world!

I am afraid to trust other people for fear of being hurt. I also have this huge fear of saying what it is I really think for fear I will hurt someone or make a complete fool out of myself, and finally my fear of losing all people and possessions in my life. Note: people are not possessions. I want to feel love and joy and be loving and joyful. I constantly try to find joy in things but something seems to be missing. I continually try to feed myself with information and have gotten pretty good at regurgitating what I have read but applying it to my life is another story.

It’s not easy and I am seriously not a lazy person. (I have questioned that several times; the lazy part) In fact, some of my fear has led to some success; two college degrees, a nice home, lovely children, but I am at a point in life that I know I cannot and do not want to live this way anymore. I love my family and I know that my fear and the walls I have put up are having an effect on them as well.

The only words I know to put to it right now are simply, I’m tired. Tired of running around the same mountain, tired of eating myself invisible, tired of reflecting on the poor choices I have made in the past because I cannot change the choices I have made.

So what now, where am I now? I have reached out to my mom and a couple other peer moms in my neighborhood. I have gotten really honest. I have started talking more about the things that I like as well as the things that I don’t. I am back to the basics of setting a sleep time and a wake time. Monitoring my water in take and swaying to as many whole food choices during my day as possible. Writing what I believe is hindering my success and what I can do to move forward. Instead of isolating myself at home by using a home gym, I am signing up for a membership at a local gym. I pray that one day I can put my fear down as quickly as I have so often picked it up.

Finally, I will regurgitate a resource I am using right now and will continue to listen to over and over as long as I need to absorb ir into my own self (that was given to me by my mom) and that is Patsy Clairmonts ‘Cracked Pots.’

Amen! I connected to your first sentence. I struggle with trusting others too and it really puts up a wall around you and makes it difficult to form truly great friendships. Luckily, I have made a couple really great friends. One of which shares this fear with us. She and I have been chiseling away at each others wall and it is growing into an amazing friendship. It looks like you are on a good path to conquering this fear as well. Continue putting yourself out there, and you will continue to form meaningful relationships!!

This totally hit home today, wow! So many fears I have been living with its dug me a hole 10 feet deep! Fear of being judged, fear of being alone the rest of my life, fear of going to college, fear of living in a dorm, fear of everything really!!! I have been overweight my whole life, I have tried several diets and none have been successful! I would lose weight and gain it right back! I am approaching it different this time, I know it won’t come off over night so im being more patient but I always have that fear in the back of my head that I can’t do this, its too hard for me, whats the point if i couldn’t do it before? So many fears to swim through. I have recently over come one HUGE fear–it sounds simple but I was never able to ride a bike, I was little and got hurt really bad learning how so I never tried again. This week I worked and worked so hard to learn with the help of others, I accomplished it and rode for 3 miles! It’s awesome to over come your fears but it totally sucks facing them. I am also running (or attempting to run) a 5k in one week on April 21st, which also is my 19th birthday! I am SO scared, the thought of running 3.1 miles scares the crap out of me! The nerves are already beginning and I still have a little over a week left till the event! I have let fear control my life for the last 18 years. It’s time to kick it to the curb! Thank you for writing this blog today! I really appreciate it! You guys are so inspirational and are encouraging so many! Thanks for paying it forward!

My biggest fear, is that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone & lonely. I need desperately, to be in a relationship, get married & have children, but haven’t been anywhere close to a relationship in close to 13 years. I keep trying and failing & it’s entirely frustrating!! Because of this, my self-esteem is incredibly low. I need & deserve to have someone to love, who will love me in return. I know I’ll be a good boyfriend, husband, lover, bestfriend & father. I just need to be given the chance & I need help!

Duane ~ I would really suggest in investing in eHarmony. I know it sounds crazy but I’ve met several people that have found life partners using eHarmony. You have to be completely honest and not hold anything back when filling out the personality profile or it won’t work. You may not find the love of your life on the first date, but she’s out there and you’ll find her.

Duane, I agree with Catherine…one of the online dating services is a great idea!

So do yourself a favor. Find a way to savor the single life for a few moments. Cherish the flexibility that it offers. A single person has fewer demands of time and energy. A single person never faces divorce. A single person has the flexibility potentially to date any one of millions of other singles. A single person doesn’t have to worry about a lifelong commitment to someone who might suddenly die or have a tradegy.

Now think about just how much of yourself you’ll have to give if you marry and prepare for it. When it arrives you’ll be glad you did.

and eharmony, well it broadens the pool of people, if that’s what you want. but don’t underestimate thinking about what the wife will need, and how to set things up to offer her that. Set things up so that a woman would be crazy to decline. Then if she declines be happy. Be happy that you won’t be marrying the crazy woman.

Well, I wrote a novel before and then the server went down and deleted it… So, I’ll have at it again… 🙂

Fear has me wrapped around it’s little finger. (I’m already sitting here crying thinking about it – I’m kind of emotional, don’t judge 🙂 ) This particular fear is something I should be used to by now, something that shouldn’t even bother me, but it does. Seven years ago I was raped. The only person I told at the time was my boyfriend. This completely changed my life. Someone I thought that was supposed to be there for me and hold me through the difficult times completely turned on me. He considered this cheating. Please believe me when I say that I fought and kicked and screamed and cried when this happened… I tried so hard to get away, but it didn’t matter. And still to this day I struggle with it… and wonder if I would have kept fighting, none of this would have happened. This terrible thing that ripped my dignity away turned my boyfriend into someone totally different. This started the abusive relationship that I am still in today. Any kind of abuse you can imagine. Most people would say “Why don’t you just leave?” It’s not that simple. When you’ve been with someone for 7 years and every day he reminds you how terrible of a person you are and that you’re used up and worthless and no one will ever want you, you begin to believe it. He always tells me I’ll never find anyone else and I’ll be alone forever if I leave him. I can’t not believe him. I always think “he wouldn’t say this if it weren’t true” and “no one else seems to want me, he has to be right.” I’m terrified that he is right. Sometimes I think I would rather be with someone like him than be alone forever… But then it’s like… This isn’t normal, I HAVE to get away from this. But I can’t. I’m so scared he is going to be right and I’ll never find anyone else. After someone says something to you every day for 7 years, it’s ingrained into your mind. And when you start to think you’re better than that situation, you’re knocked down again and wonder why you even fight it.

I’ve been hurt by so many people in my life… family, friends, men. I have serious trust issues. Not only am I scared to be alone, I can’t even go on a run by myself without the fear that someone is “out to get me.” I know I’m being paranoid, but that pain of someone having total control over you, not to mention the physical pain, still haunts me every single day. And my boyfriend makes sure to remind me of it too… about how terrible of a person I am for “cheating” on him. I never would have gone to that house that night if I knew it would happen. I’ve apologized I don’t know how many times… It doesn’t matter. I just need to get away. I need someone to prove to me that there is a reason to trust and love and be happy again. Because I cannot deal with this anymore. I hate living in fear… It’s more exhausting than insane workouts, to me.

My plan is to give it all to God. He has to have a better plan for me than I have for myself. I have to trust Him that he’ll lead me through it and make me a strong enough person to walk away. I just cannot let go of this constant fear of being alone and letting him win.

I just wanna tell you that you are SUCH a treasure to God. It sounds like you’ve been through more than your share of crap, and I know one comment on one blog isn’t going to fix all that, but do count this is as a sign that you are VALUABLE and WORTHY of love. The attack on you was just that and I pray that all shame and guilt is broken off of you. You’re right, God does have a better plan for you and He will lead you through, cause you are his girl! xoxo

Thank you for sharing your personal struggles and devastating experience Whitney. You are in my prayers. I know from violence in my own life how trapped an abusive relationship can feel, particularly after being violated in an attack and not getting support to heal after that. It feels like a trap from which you can’t escape. That’s how I felt. But, the moment I stepped out the door and left, I felt I had strength I didn’t know was in me. You must get help…a therapist, a pastor, a friend, all of them so that they can support you with their strength and be your lifeboat. I pray that you won’t let mere emotions get in the way of you rescuing yourself but instead that you will do as Hannah and Olivia said, and make the CHOICE to move forward regardless of whether you feel fear or not.

Praying,
JJ

All the comments on here are very moving, so many people are so trapped by fears. It’s only by the grace of God I’ve been able to conquer many of my fears, but one still remains. I’m afraid that I won’t have the perserverance, or motivation to lose the weight and keep it off. I’m afraid I’ll settle for second best when I know I am capable of my best. I suppose this even has to do with more areas of my life than even weight loss. I’m facing it right now though, and not only do I plan to conquer it but to KICK ITS ASS! 🙂 Thanks ladies for the encouragement. xoxo

Ok girls.. thanks again for your vid.. love your blog! it gives me strenght to keep going in my journey..
now to my fear… TRUST.. how on earth do you trust someone?? its so hard for me to trust anyone! my trainer my sensei, just friends.. I feel like trust is something that has been taken away from me in at a young age and I cant seem to gain it back.. any 411 on this trust topic would be greatly appreciated.

with much love and still hopin to meet you someday,
Liba
xoxoxo

I’m trying to conquer my fear of employer-rejection. I’ve been jobless for about four months now. I’m always scared to reach out to employers because I don’t want to get turned down. I even sabotaged one interview because I felt like I wasn’t going to get the job anyway. I think I tried to reject them before they could reject me. I’m out of money and feeling pretty ashamed of myself these days. I picked a day next week to go to a few specific employers to try to get a job. I know the fear is going to try to keep me from it but I’m really hoping that I’ll go if I have a specific, not-overly-ambitious plan.

Jillian Michaels just did a podcast about this. Check out her podcasts on iTunes or on YouTube, it was in the last few weeks. She had a job coach on.

This is something that has been on my mind lately. I’m anxious to see what you two have to say in part 2!

Hannah…I would love for you to do a post about your injury and your fears pre-BL about re-injury. I have a spinal cord injury/damage also and I think one of the most moving scenes in BL ever for me was Jillian helping you overcome that. That is a hard fear to overcome because unless you have had a spinal cord injury, you have no idea the kind of pain it causes. I am terrified of running on a treadmill because one misplaced step could put me back into that kind of pain again. Irrational? maybe but having been there for so long, it’s hard to put that first step forward and make that leap because of the what if that is always in the back of my mind nagging me. I exercise, I do the elliptical, I know that I need the kind of burn that running gives and I can’t get that if I don’t address that fear. What was going through your mind when Jillian had you do that back bend? How did you move past that fear? Maybe a fear of re-injury post can help a lot of people who have had to deal with that before.

I love you girls! One of the fears….ok, two of the fears I’m working on overcoming…and one of them is like really really trivial….. is 1. Fear of gaining back the 112 lbs I lost overtime, which is WHY I am so driven to get to my actual ultimate goal and NOT stopping for even a second! You see what I did that? I TOOK my “fear” and turned into DOGGIDY, RELENTLESS, and some people have called it…SCARY DETERMINATION to succeed! 🙂 Being on this rollercoaster of weight loss where I’d lose 40, then get complacent and gain it back thing is what made me go on this journey 1 year ago and I’ve not stopped since nor will I stop until I reach my goal! 🙂 I know people are very supportive of me and want me to succeed, but I can’t help feeling a bit of paranoia that SOME people want to see me FAIL. yeah, again, STUPID paranoia I know! 🙂 But, yeah, I turn that fear into scary determination! *biiiig inhale* Nothing like fresh scary determination in the morning!! BOOYAW!

2nd fear, which is the “silly” one…..wearing sleeveless tops. Yeah yeah…I am self-conscious about my big arms…and even moreso now that I have grown “bat wings” due to my weight loss. But, I am turning that fear into buying more tops that do NOT necessarily cover my arms. Cause my arms may not be quite there yet, but my shoulders are kickin’ 😉 Anywho..yeah, you go girls! I love ya! 20lbs to go!

Most of my fears are probably good fears because they help prevent me from making mistakes. If I’m afraid to do work without a respirator because I might have a nasal reaction to particles in the air, that’s a good fear that can bring my attention to putting on a respirator before working.

When I should face fears, I guess I often face them fears pretty well through unselfishness and respect. Unselfishness can reduce my fear of what might happen to me. Respect can increase my interest in doing what I have fear of doing.

This is such a great topic. I have let fear hold me back in so many aspects of my life: fear of being rejected by someone, fear of not succeeding, fear of embarrassment, fear of what others think of me…the list could go on and on. It’s definitely an area of my life that I truly want to change drastically. I am challenging my fears at work by taking more of a leadership role when I’m much more comfortable being a follower. I am making myself a priority in my relationships, when in the past , I was the typical doormat personality. Whether it’s with family, friends, co-workers, I now am making me the priority. This has truly made my relationships better because I’ve learned that ultimately I need to take care of myself first and foremost. One exception where fear is still immobilizing me is with love. I don’t think I’ve ever sought out someone I’ve dated, and I really want to change that, but it’s the potential rejection that keeps me from doing it. I keep trying to remind myself that I have a lot to offer someone and if they aren’t interested, then it’s not the end of the world and their loss per se. One area where I am doing much better at tackling my fears is with my workouts and such. I used to be terrified of taking any group fitness classes or even working out in front of anyone else for that matter, and now I take classes all the time like it’s no big deal. I am participating in my first “race” next weekend, a duathlon, which is going to be a big challenge for me because again I’m nervous about people watching me and what if I don’t do well? Hopefully, by getting this first race under my belt will take away some of my fears so I can participate in many, many more races in the future.

I’m looking forward to seeing what else you and others have to say on this topic!

Thank you for talking about this and sharing your own stories. I’m sitting here in almost disbelief that someone else feels like I do. I thought that I was the only one who was afraid of trying to change my life because I felt so inferior to everyone else. It’s amazing to me that two beautiful women that I admire so very much once struggled with fear too. The thing I am most afraid of is hoping. It’s so hard to hope with all my heart that I can break out of this prison of unhealthy eating and fitness because when the hope doesn’t come true, the pain is intense for me. And then there’s little things I’m afraid to hope for, like running a 5k without walking…I hoped I could but then when I didn’t I hated myself and I hated that I thought I could when I knew how terrible I was at fitness. This kind of example happens when I fail at self control in my eating and eat chocolate or too much peanut butter when I cognitively decide it’s not good for me and it happens so often at the gym when I want to try something and then it’s too advanced for me and it happens in relationships when I join a dating website and no one likes me there and it happens all the time!

I REALLY like what you said about fear being a choice because I think it means that I should do what I know is good and right even when I’m afraid of the result. I hope that I can learn how to manage the pain that results though!

Thank you so much for your honest reflection about this. I LOVE your videos…it’s so fun to see how transformed you both are! I appreciate so much that you share that transformation with us!

And, thanks also to all the people who commented because it helps me realize that this is an issue for lots of people and that I’m not alone in the way I feel!

Smiles, JJ

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