Disappointment

I have been thinking a lot lately about disappointment. Sounds a little depressing when I re-read that sentence, but trust me you won’t need any Kleenex after reading this blog. πŸ™‚ One of my BIG issues I worked on when I was on The Biggest Loser was disappointment. It wasn’t featured a ton, but it was the biggest piece of my puzzle. See, you all know by now how type A I am by nature, and to my detriment I can be pretty controlling. Ah, control….well, I tried to control everything (which is impossible) and it got me to 284lbs at my highest. In my mind I always convinced myself that by keeping such tight control of things I was being “productive” & “driven”. Ha. Ha. Ha. It was a very candid conversation with Bob Harper that really turned my thinking around. He simply said, “You spend so much time and effort trying to keep all these balls in the air…what would happen if you let one of them drop?”. I will tell you that even hearing him say those words made me sweat! Let a ball DROP? That is enough stress to drive me to eating a whole sheet cake alone, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that if I dropped a ball the earth would still turn & I would not die. He challenged me to really spend some time thinking about that concept. As I began to dig into this issue I will tell you that I couldn’t for the life of me come up with a reason why I feared letting go. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks….well, actually that ton of bricks happened to come in the form of Jillian Michaels. She simply said, “Honey, you can’t let go of control because you are terrified of disappointment.” Um, WHAT?? In that moment it became very clear. She was right…I was afraid of disappointment. You know in cartoons when the light bulb turns on…it was like that. I avoided really putting my self out there in my career, relationships, & really life itself to avoid being disappointed. The biggest area where this manifested was in my struggle with weight loss. Don’t get me wrong…I was always on a diet, but I NEVER really tried because that way if I failed it was because I did it half way & wouldn’t be disappointed. In my mind disappointment = weakness & failure. Whew….that’s a mouthful.

Have I fixed all this? I’ll say that I have made HUGE strides, but it’s a work in progress. I find myself at times trying to control things & I have to step back and adjust. The joy in that is the awareness…it’s half the battle right? Also, I look at disappointment in a very different way. I no longer fear it…do I like it…no, but who does? That being said I look at disappointment as an opportunity to overcome. If I set a goal & fall flat on my face…I allow myself to take a moment & be disappointed, but then get up brush myself off & set a new goal. You know why? Well, if you fall or fail the earth keeps on turning & you won’t die. Trust me…Bob said so. By getting up it gives you one more chance to achieve, and I just love that.

xoxoxox,

Olivia

Do you struggle with disappointment? How do you overcome? Let’s chat about it in the comments! πŸ™‚

84 thoughts on “Disappointment”

  1. What perfect timing! I’m dealing with the disappointment of not getting a job I was really, really, really wanting today. But I’m so happy that I applied for it, because just doing that was a big step for me. The next time I’m going to go out even harder, because as Wayne Gretsky said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I’m ready to take more shots!

    Thanks for posting about this because it’s something a lot of us struggle with and it’s so comforting to know you aren’t alone!

    1. I love that you are proud of yourself for going for it! It’s so important to find the joy in putting yourself out there! That is the hardest part after all. It’s so true if you don’t try you just stay the same. Keep reaching!! πŸ™‚

  2. As I read this I had a light bulb moment myself. I too struggle with controlling my environment and over past year and a half I have had to really work on letting myself try and fail and be ok with that. I hate to be a disappointment to myself and to others so failing before was never an option but I had to stop and realize that I was failing myself and hiding behind the weight. Now I try to figure out challenges that scare me and I charge head first at them, stumbling falling failing and succeeding…..I have experienced it all. I lost the weight and have started to date and am training for the NYC TRI this summer. Failing scares me but also motivates me to try again and again because I deserve it. It’s so funny how disappointment can impact the way we live our lives but not anymore…what’s life without a little risk?!?!

    1. You are so right….you deserve it. It’s about learning and moving forward…AND if you can find motivation through the experience that is even BETTER! Awesome. Have fun at the NYC Tri….I did it last year & I loved it. πŸ™‚

      1. its hard to realize/remember that the journey/we are worth the effort we put in but when we remember it than who can be disappointed! Thanks for your TRI well wishes, I actually saw your footage and was intrigued to research further. I signed up with Autism Speaks and am enjoying training! ( I probably won’t say that everyday!) you two are a huge inspiration to persevere and celebrate life!

  3. ughhhh i feel like all i ever do is disappoint myself …well with diets anyway. I am 19 years old and weight 252lbs..i just started the biggest loser at my gym a week and a half ago and i am down 3lbs..better than nothing i guess. I feel like i have been on a diet my entire life and i am just sick of it and want to start living and be happy. being disappoint with yourself is the worst thing ever when it comes to losing weight for me. I really hope this biggest loser challenge for me doesn’t end up like every other time where i lose weight and when its over i lose control and am back to “normal”…. πŸ™

    1. I was like that too, and still have my moments where I yoyo and and tempted by my former life… All I would say is celebrate the small things and notice each moment of triumph. Whether its .3 or 3 pounds celebrate success as well as non sale victories like habit changes! You can do it, this is your time!

      1. thanks Beth! I know..its just hard because all of my SKINNY friends will be home from college in a few weeks and then comes Summer & the beach which i now dread going to πŸ™ because I don’t want to be in a bathing suit ..i work so hard and sometimes i feel as if nothing has changed…but I believe it my time too! πŸ™‚

        1. I know the feeling well, both of my sisters have always been very tiny while I was double/triple their size. It is really easy to beat yourself up but it is also easy to find good things to celebrate! Use the summer and beach season to continue the motivation that the BL contest started. Trust me it may take time but the tables do turn and you will be so happy when they do! The reward is worth the effort and so are you! Keep your head up!!!

    2. A journey begins with a second step. Failure is just a part of the process toward sucess. You can do it and many people have done it before you… One day at a time, perhaps one breath at a time, and don’t look back!

    3. Lauren….I want to ask you a question. Why can’t this time be THE time you finally do it?? You have taken the first and most important steps to weight loss success. You decided to try. I’m here to tell you that until you are strong enough to believe in yourself we here at myFitspiration will believe it for you!! Look at all these people who are reaching out to you! You CAN do this…just decide you can. Weight loss happens in your mind first. If you think you can’t do it…it won’t happen. It takes a moment to change your mind. Trust me the body will follow! You are 19 & you have your whole life ahead of you…take this time & do it once & for all. Keep us posted & I can’t wait to celebrate with you when you overcome this at the end of your journey!! xxoo

      1. THANKS SO MUCH for all of the support! Olivia I appreciate it so much..thanks for responding. I have another weigh in Saturday.. I will definitely keep you posted πŸ™‚

  4. WOW…that is a lot to take in. I think I need a session with Bob to figure me out. I don’t have control issues really…fear of disappointment…maybe a little. My biggest problem is that when things tick me off…I tend to eat that emotion. I am a typical Taurus…pretty easy going until you wave that red flag and then I flip out. Or rather…I would if it were socially acceptable. So why do I turn to food when I am angry. I have no clue. Why do I punish myself when its other people that I am angry with. Why do all of our problems end up tangled up in food. There’s the million dollar question.

    1. I know it was a big bit to chew! πŸ™‚ Emotional eating is hard! The good thing is it is a choice…I know that is over simplified, but the first step ai have found is to take the “mindless” part out of it. I used to eat & eat & eat before I realized why. Now, when Im upset or whatever & I want to eat I take a moment to think it through. Do the Jillian apple test…when you want to eat offer yourself an apple. If you are truly hungry you will want & eat the apple. If you don’t want it you are not really hungry & something else is going on. You won’t be successful every time, but at least you are making conscious decisions! πŸ™‚

  5. Oh my, disappointment is my middle name. I am always SO disappointed in myself. I have lost 21 pounds in 2 months that should be something to be excited about but when I know I still have about 80-100 to go, I get so disappointed with little weight losses each week!! This last week I worked out every day for 2-3 hours and only lost .2 I ate so healthy it was ridiculous!! But then I went shopping and went down a pant size AND a shirt size. I have to remember it doesn’t mater about the number on the scale, what matters is becoming healthy, NOT skinny!

    1. 21 lbs in two MONTHS!!! Are you kidding me….that is AMAZING!!! Celebrate that accomplishment!! I know the mountain looks huge, but that’s why you take is stone by stone. No one moved a mountain in a day. I’m sure you didn’t gain the weight overnight, so give yourself a break & a huge pat on the back. It’s about taking it day by day & step by step. Look how much closer you are to your goal than you were 2 months ago! Remember try to take joy in the process. This process is going to help you learn life skills to keep the weight off for life. Keep going…you can do this!!

      1. Thanks for replying! I appreciate your encouragement! After having a really bad couple of days I got back in the gym and worked harder than I have all week! I also signed up for a 5K in three weeks! I CAN do this and I WILL do this!! Thanks again, Olivia!

  6. OMG… that is me! I never thought of it like that. I thought that by having control I was strong and here I am gaining and losing the same 10 pounds for twos years and being over 200 pounds. I hear ya when you say, “I was always on a diet, but I NEVER really tried because that way if I failed it was because I did it half way & wouldn’t be disappointed. In my mind disappointment = weakness & failure”
    I’m gonna keep this short, so I want to say thank you for writing this. I have a lot to think about and this blog post may just hung on my wall to remind me. “It’s ok to let a ball drop”

  7. Over the weekend, I spent a night out partying with friends–drinking and eating things I hadn’t had in a while. During my run on Sunday morning, I just felt gross and slow. Then I realized that I was mad and sad and disappointed in myself for not being careful about what I was putting into my mouth the night before. And I was scared that my whole week’s worth of working out and eating right had been thrown out the door. I got very close to just giving up and baking myself a pity cake. But then my husband asked what was wrong, and I told him, and he said “It doesn’t matter. That was yesterday. This is now. You just have to keep going.” He was right. You can’t let things you did or didn’t do affect you all of the time and follow you around like a cloud of negativity. You just have to do the best with what you have and keep fighting for yourself. It’s funny though–two years ago, I would have never even been able to confront those emotions and feel those feelings of disappointment and anger because I would’ve hidden them away or covered them up. So in a way, screwing up my diet helped me see that I’m becoming a healthier person not just physically, but emotionally, too.

  8. Reading this I had an “ah-ha” moment. Like what Jillian said to you is exactly what I need to hear. This has given me a lot to think about and work on. Thank you for sharing!! Sometimes I feel like I need all the help I can get!

  9. Right there with ya, girl! Next to stereotypical type A 1st born in the dictionary…my photo. It’s a blessing and a curse for sure. That intense drive and passion has led me far in life in many aspects but the nemesis of self-doubt in relinquishing control however…well, some people have an incredible fear of heights or spiders. I have an incredible fear of failure and disappointing people, especially myself. Even though, in my head, I know the fear of the unknown is irrational, it can still hold me back. I’ll jump out of an airplane or climb an active volcano, but I can’t drum up enough confidence in my body to feel worthy of wearing certain clothes or dating. It may not happen consistently, but if I reframe my thought process, take a big breath, and just take that first step…I’m typically pleasantly surprised. And if I am disappointed, then I just take a step back and see where I can learn from the experience (in my OCD way, of course). Ultimately though, I am eternally grateful and forever blessed…so I try not to sweat the small stuff…and hopefully sweat more during my workouts πŸ˜€

  10. Most recently, I watched an interview with Sara Blakely, the women who created Spanx, and I recall her saying she would come home from school and her father would ask her what she did to “fail” today. She seemed to emphasize the joy and approval behind whatever it was she attempted to do. She explained that her father did not want her to fear failure or feel disappointment if she did not achieve what she set out to do.

    I have spent many years grappling with fear of dissappointment. Feeling that I would dissapoint someone else and also that I would feel dissappointed. Yet, the more I have tried to control, in an attempt not to dissapoint, the more I have felt a sense of loss. I never thought that my attempts not to dissappoint or be dissappointed were equated with weakness and failure. I am finding there are lots of messages I have told myself and carried and it is time to replace the old negative with the new.

    Thank you for sharing so openly with your experiences. It’s good to know the world will not end and there comes a time when getting up and brushing ourselves off is the best possible answer!

  11. Hey Olivia! I struggle with this too- how do you find the balance between being willing to let a ball drop, but at the same time not giving up and dropping them all and saying, ” i knew I couldn’t keep juggling them all anyway, I’m a failure,” Does that make sense? I always want to be in control and make everything perfect and hate the thought of failing someone or letting them down, which I realize is totally impractical:) Also- how do you keep your balance and focus during maintenance? I have lost 105 lbs this year by eating healthy and exercising and am only 10 lbs away from reaching my goal- and that freaks me out a little because I’m afraid of gaining it back! Even though I’ve changed my lifestyle-and I”m happy with my new lifestyle- I guess it goes back to the fear of failure thing:)

    1. That’s a great question. Think of it this way…it’s not about making a choice to let a ball…or all of them drop. We would obviously never strive for that, BUT sometimes it happens. No one is perfect…as much as we try to be. That way it’s not an option to drop them all…we just deal with the ones we do drop on an as needed basis. No big deal. πŸ˜‰

      1. Thank you so much for responding Olivia! I just “tweeted” about how not only do you and your sister write fantastic blogs from the heart- the fact that you guys respond to comments is above and beyond. Thank you for being vulnerable and inspirational!

  12. Thank you so much for sharing this. It was an absolute lightbulb moment for me!! I have been struggling for YEARS to try and get down to my feel-good weight and I do it half heartedly. Probably anticipating disappointment as I go and rather than just give it my best, I from the start make an effort (!!) to justify why it will yet again go wrong. I am an A-type, too, and have a hard time letting go. When I do, I mostly do it for the whole money and with complete abandonment. I am working on it but it’s hard work. Right now, I feel very dishearted, as I am laid up in bed with a severely herniated back, probably facing surgery sometime soon. Which means I basically have to relinquish control over things and I actually have to give in to the fact that my body is injured and thus not capable of doing what I want to do.

    In any case, you have given me a lot of food for thought – it will keep me busy for a while as I lie around trying my hardest to stick to orders and let my back heal.

  13. Wow, not sure if I should laugh or cry. I have a huge problem with disappointment, in myself that I can’t control the binge eating when I am disappointed by my daughter. This is where I struggle the most. I will do so well for 4 or 5 days, then she will call to make plans with me and the conversation will end with her saying to me “I’ll call you when I’m ready to go” and most times the call never comes. I’ll sit and wait and wait but refuse to call her because I know that she will be “too busy to talk” and will by then have forgotten her promise to me. When this happens I inevitably turn to the junk food to give me solace. I used to be able to shrug it off and get on the bike or treadmill but I am recovering from an ACL tear (waiting for surgery) so it’s not always an option to jump on the treadmill or bike if there is pain or swelling involved , which again is another disappointment in that I can’t be as active and physical as I once was a year ago.

    I know the triggers, its just sometimes it is soooo hard to fight them. And when I try to talk to my husband about this disappointment, he tells me to let it go which of course makes it worse so now I don’t even try to talk to him, I internalize it.

    Thank you for this post as I have not written about this before and now that I have I am better able to adjust my forward thinking and hopefully will be better able to deal with the lost promises.

    1. It is so hard when you are disappointed by others…especially family! Maybe try having a conversation with your daughter. Try in a calm & productive way to express your feelings of disappointment. Avoid being confrontational….instead maybe suggest that if she needs to cancel plans that she needs to send you a text or call. Tell her that you understand she is busy & that sometimes plans fall through, but that you have a life as well & she needs to be respectful as well. I hate that you feel you have to internalize everything…do you have a friend you could share this with? Maybe also try talking to your husband & share with him that you need him to support you in this situation. Half the time husbands just need to be told things in black & white. :). you know the whole men are from Mars stuff. xo

      1. Hi Olivia,

        Thanks for the words of encouragement. It is something I have tried with my daughter in the past and it always ends up in a fight. And the “Man from Mars” says he doesn’t want to get in the middle but that is because she doesn’t do this type of thing to him – she is a daddy’s girl, always has been, always will be.

        But I am going to try again and see how that goes. She knows that when she does this type of thing that she is disappointing me but it continues to happen and she always has an excuse

        One of my favourite mantras is “Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone” I tend to stand alone a lot when it comes to my beliefs and values, but then again I was brought up in a very old fashioned traditional family and my very close friends understand that and hold similar beliefs and values. Her friends seems to be very similar in their “I don’t care” attitude & I tend to stand apart from them because of that.

        One of these days her light will go on and she will get it.

  14. I think we all struggle with this especially type A’s (that includes me too!) that have been disappointed in ourselves or others. The thought of relinquishing control over something whether it be allowing my husband to do what I’ve asked without my interference, leading a group of people and trusting them to carry out what’s been assigned to them, or merely allowing God to have control over a situation that is way beyond my control can seem daunting but I know it’s the right thing to do and usually leads to better results then if I try to handle everything myself!

    1. You hit the nail on the head…it’s about giving control over to God….I have to remind myself that I gave my life wholly to Him & HIS timing is perfect! πŸ™‚

  15. I’m not aware that I currently struggle much with disappointment. I tend to focus on my current needs. If disappointment hits, sometimes it can be used to motivate me to remedy the situation.

  16. You couldn’t have explained that better!! Fear of disappointment, fear of failure…they’re paralyzing. In every area of life..weight loss, relationships, if you don’t put your whole self out there and fail you can always tell yourself I didn’t really try. But the fear of putting it all out there and failing anyway…what do you do with that. So over and over you live life half way. You are such an inspiration!! Thank you for so candidly sharing your journey! I was just thinking of you and Hannah today and what a rut I’ve gotten in and thinking how fantastic it would be just to spend a day in the life of you to see what getting this thing right day in and day out looks like. I’m so proud of you and so thankful for you. God bless you and your family!!

    Natalie

  17. Also a timely post for me. My tendency is to worry that I’ve disappointed other people, but I’m learning that sometimes I have to do what’s right for my life even if someone else doesn’t understand. I often have family members express disappointment that I’m going for my dreams instead of holding down a “real” job, like in an office or bank. Been there, done that…and now it’s time for me to live my passion and purpose. (Thankfully my husband and son understand and support me…it’s other relatives that disapprove.) Recently I took on one of those “real” jobs because we needed the money badly – doing medical billing. I lasted a month, because according to my boss I was supposed to know how to do everything right away with barely any training and couldn’t get help from anyone even when I asked for it. The daily panic attacks came to a head last week and I no longer work there. I consider this a blessing…everyone is not a perfect fit for every job no matter how hard you try. Of course, I have some people who are disappointed that I no longer work there. And that’s the part that has been hurting – that someone is disappointed in me.

    This is a learning experience for me though. It only drives me more toward what I really need to do with my life, even as I deal with those who don’t understand. I had an interview today for a part time retail job, which would be perfect for me since then I could still devote time to my dreams and writing career while bringing in some money that we need as my writng portfolio builds. (I’m supposed to know within a couple of days if I got the position.) I’ve been praying a lot during this time, and I clearly heard God tell me to stay strong, move forward, stay true to myself, and the other people would get over it at some point. He told me to trust Him and it would all work out – for my best and my family’s. I know that I need to do my best and He will take care of the rest. Even with the ups and downs, I will follow what God has planned for me and always move forward. When I focus less on disappointment and stay postive, my anxieties lessen and I’m able to be my best.

    Thank you for the post Olivia! :o)

    1. Hi Marie (and Olivia),

      You pretty much wrote what I was thinking after reading this post. I am also constantly battling feeling like a disappointment to others, and ultimately to myself, which leads to a lot of negative self-talk. Along with all the other panic, etc you described, I also find myself constantly comparing myself to others and again feeling like a disappointed and hating on myself. I’ve been working with a counselor over the years to nip those negative thoughts in the bud right away and to redirect them into something positive. It is hard work! You really do have to put yourself and what’s best for your life first. Thanks for sharing!

    2. Disappointing others is a hard hurdle to jump over. Remember at the end of the day it is about YOUR happiness. Obviously, we all have daily responsibilities, but if you have your priorities in order there is NO reason not to reach for the sky! In my opinion life without dreams is no life at all! πŸ™‚

      1. Possible light bulb moment here, Olivia!! You just mentioned our happiness and priorities and that got me thinking – my priorities are way out of whack! So what if instead of prioritizing someone else’s disappointment in my brain (cause let’s face it, we cannot control someone else’s reaction to anything) the priority is something like do something nice for someone or send a kind note or a million other things that would make me happy rather than worrying about disappointment?? Changing priorities! Ah Ha! Hope that makes sense, just had a mini brainstorm here.

      1. Thank you for your response, Olivia! :o) One thing this whole situation is teaching me is how to balance the responsibilities with the dreams, so that’s another blessing right there. Along with the soul searching I’m writing down concrete plans to follow so I can handle both. Of course, if I had stayed at the place that gave me panic attacks I would not be able to function at work or be much good to my family since I was in a constant state of anxiety even when I was at home. So getting out of there is good for my mental health along with theirs! I’m putting myself out there even more with my writing, so maybe this bad situation was what I needed to give me the extra push to really go for it. God really does use everything for good in some way.

        Laura, I wish you luck as well, you sound just like me. :o) Saying a prayer for you too!

  18. Thank you Olivia ! That was a great inspiration! That is my problem in a nutshell. Have a great day ! Thanks again to you and Hannah !

  19. Just have to say I love this blog! You and Hannah were so inspiring! I lost 30lbs myself a couple of years ago and it was so fun watching you through your journey.

    I’ve been satisfied with my weight the past 2 years but have never been satisfied with being 165lbs and 13% body fat! My New Years resolution was to find that 6 pack…I know it’s there somewhere. After waking up on Saturday morning feeling like garbage after a night out, I’m finally facing the truth: The alcohol is completely messing up my progress.

    I eat pretty darn healthy week and week out, but now I am completely committed. I’m so excited to start seeing results once I give up on alcohol for awhile. I may have a beer once or twice a month, but I’ve got to see where I can take this in the next few months. It’s so motivating to see results, as it was when I originally lost weight; and now I’m hoping to see it again.

    Keep up the great blog entries!

    1. Alcohol is a tough one! So many of us are used to it being a big part of our social life…remember it’s about moderation…just like anything else. Pick a lower calorie drink & sip on it…then switch to water. If you still want another drink have it, but make it a choice not an absent minded decision out of habit. I’ll tell you I completely cut out alcohol (except for special occasions) & I really haven’t missed it. I find I can have just as good of a time with friends drinking tea or water, and I haven’t wrecked my calories. Give it a try…you never know it may work to cut it out! πŸ™‚

      1. Thanks for the input! I’m going to give it a try! I always told myself “oh you can’t drink..you’re 28 and single, you need to go out and socialize”, but I am talk so much as it is! haha I know I don’t need alcohol to have a good time, as you have said. The occasional beer won’t hurt for special occasion, but I completely agree that I may not miss it after awhile. For me it’s about a healthy lifestyle and although drinking can be enjoyable, I want to be satisfied with my appearance first and foremost.

        Please, you and Hannah come visit Milwaukee sometime! πŸ™‚

  20. This really…really…No REALLY!…resonates with me. I have had disappointments in my life (as we all have), and in the ones that stick out to me, either it was a situation with circumstances beyond my control, or a situation in which the decision was made for me by other people in my life. Though I never would admit it–I always acted as if I had moved on–I never really got over those disappointments, and subconciously decided that the only way to not ever be disappointed is if I always was in control and did everything myself.

    Ironically, when it came to my weight, PCOS gave me the perfect excuse not to lose weight: it was my body’s fault. I couldn’t have control over that. I’ve never understood why I was willing to give up control of that part of my life, but not anything else. I still don’t, really.

    But in the last year, I’ve been trying to change all that. To relinquish control of every single detail and of take control of my weight and deal with my PCOS. It’s been tough, but it’s been freeing. Still a work in progress–I take myself in hand nearly everyday and ask myself “what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t control (name random situation)?”–but I’m getting there. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for sharing this, Olivia! πŸ™‚

    1. PCOS makes it even harder for us ladies on this journey! I know first hand, but it is possible to overcome! :). I love that you understand that it’s a process…because boy is it ever! Keep trucking! πŸ™‚

  21. Thanks O! I just needed to read this!
    xoxo
    Liba forever!
    P.S. when can I meet you? maybe a good crossfit workout together?? now that would be EPIC!

  22. Very good post, and something I have to deal with in my life as well. As a born again Christian I find the more I give up the need for total control in certain areas of my life (including my weight loss issues) the more I allow God to move.

    I’m seeing things happen before me that I could’ve have dreamed up on my own, and living the truth that “…neither are your ways My ways..” (Isaiah 55:8) and “As for God, His way is perfect. The word of the Lord is flawless; he is a shield to all those who trust in Him.” (Psalm 18:30)

    Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us, Olivia. It’s so encouraging to see a Biggest Loser continuing on in a healthy path.

  23. Hi Olivia!
    You are so inspiring to me… I’m right now dealing with this very same issue. I’m overweigh but I’m always waiting for the next Monday and I guess it’s because I can’t fail doing something I never started. And the same thing happens in other areas of my life… my career for example! Your words came right in time! You know what… TBL is not inspiring only America but also the world! I’m here from Brasil taking you guys as an example and I’m so glad that distance is not able to keep you all out of my life!
    Thank you very much!

    1. It’s so cool that we can create our own world here!! Distance doesn’t even matter! πŸ™‚ Guess what…if you wait for next Monday it will NEVER come. Just do it….today. Who says you cant start to change your life on a Wednesday?? πŸ™‚

  24. So funny — I know that the reason I always give up on exercising or eating well is that I can’t fail if I don’t try, and I tell myself I’d rather not try (and be unhappy) than try and fail (because that would be disappointing, I suppose). (And, reading this post, if I’m honest with myself, I think that often goes for putting myself out there in relationships too.) THAT SAID, I have to leave in about 45 minutes to get to the gym, where I will be meeting with a personal trainer for the first time. Eek.

  25. I didn’t realize how much of a type A I was until I started going to therapy. It’s crazy how much we always want to be in control and never let things just flow. I’m getting better at it but it still drives me bananas when I don’t clearly see the process or the end result. It’s something I need to change because I know it’s getting in the way of my life. So many things I don’t even get into because I play out the what ifs before and lose interest.
    But I have to say an year and some change with my amazing therapist changed many things for me. I look at my baby sister big time for inspiration. She’s by far the coolest kid on the block and never really stops to over analyze, just goes for it.
    I just recently purchased a GoSport ID with one of my most influential trainer’s quote on it. It says ” Whenever you think you can’t do something, stop thinking”.
    Whenever I stop or about to walk away for something for fear of disappointment, I just look down on it. Amazing what a few words can do!

  26. Disappointment… Oh my. Not only have I been a disappointment to myself, but to others. Yes, I have been truly blessed and have done some incredible things… but those instances that I’ve made horrible mistakes or not been good enough always seem to tag along in my mind. I cannot let go of the past (or present issues) because I am reminded constantly of the disappointments.

    I feel like I’ve been a disappointment to my family by not giving them a son-in-law or a grandchild yet. I disappointed my boyfriend a few years ago by something that happened (which I’m not sure if this was in my control or not.. still fighting that battle) who reminds me on a daily basis that this is an issue. I have disappointed myself by not being the best person I can be. I hate not having control. I try so hard to give everything to God and to trust that He does have a plan for me and I just need to be patient. But when everyone around me that I love is pregnant and married and doing fabulous things, it’s hard to be happy for them. I know that sounds awful!! I don’t mean for it to sound how it does… I am happy for them, but I guess I’m just envious and wondering when it will be my turn.. I hope that doesn’t sound terrible.

    This thing that happened… How do I not get over the disappointment of being a let down?! Clearly I hurt my boyfriend and he is still disappointed or he wouldn’t be saying/doing the things he does and reminding me daily of it.

    I hate to be a disappointment. I just need to really pray about and let God have control and stop forcing things that shouldn’t be.

    There’s so much more I want to say, but I’m not going to write a novel…. πŸ™‚

    Thank you, Olivia! You’re awesome!

  27. I am going to have to go back and read this again and again. And again. And again. My balls have started dropping, and I feel like my world is falling apart. Still trying to figure out how to let them fall.

  28. This post really spoke to me– I’m working on my PhD right now, which I think is pretty much designed to be 5-7 years of reminding you how little you know. I’m terrified of going to my classes or meetings and always feel like I haven’t done enough, but I know that’s because I’m leaving work to the last minute because I’m scared I won’t be able to make it come together. Add to that life things like trying to lose weight and keeping finances in check… I feel like I’m underwater more time than not. I know the control/overdoing everything is just making things worse, but I can’t pick anything to ‘let go’ (except postponing the weight loss, but I’m getting married soon, and I want to get a slinky dress for that! And if weight loss is always the thing that gets shoved to next month, then it will never get done, and that’s not okay).

    I feel like I’m addicted to stress, and I need to get over that.

    My new goal for the week: getting perspective, and coming up with little acts of defiance against my stress-ball self. Instead of worrying about my code right now, I’m going to go and stretch while the cat tries to eat my toes.

    Thanks for the post, I think it’s helping.

  29. Thanks so much for this post! It came at a perfect time. I have really been evaluating my feelings and reasons behind my weight issue. There is so much shame and disappointment in myself that I need to work through. Part of the hard part for me is I have really pushed away all my friends over the last few years – not wanting to subject them to any disappointment or feeling worthy of their time anymore.

    Do you have any suggestions of how to rebuild some of those relationships and a support network? I feel like I have really burnt bridges by sort of falling back and not being present in relationships that have meant a lot to me. I welcome any thoughts on the matter πŸ™‚

  30. I am so thankful that I found this today. Reading it made me step back and look at myself for a minute….and then I realized that I do a lot of the same things! I try to control everything and take on so much only to fail at the one thing I want to succeed at, losing the weight! And, since I failed at it, I have all the other things I’ve been doing to blame for it, so it’s never really my fault. How horrible is that?! I have reached my all time highest weight, a little over 200 lbs on a 5’3″ body. Let me tell ya, it doesn’t work! I’ve taken my first step by joining Bob Harper’s new site and I can’t wait til it goes live next week! I have to start worrying about myself and succeeding in taking care of me for once!

  31. Olivia, thank you for writing this. I recently came so close to a goal but fell short and am still struggling with the disappointment of the defeat. I had been competing in a biggest loser contest in my gym and was tied for the lead with one other person the entire time, but because they didn’t require everyone to weigh in each week someone was ahead of me by the end and I lost by .5%! I cried for the longest time and beat myself up over it for a few days. I had a hard time allowing myself to celebrate the success – you see, with the contest and my overall hard work I’ve lost 125 pounds and in 9 weeks I lost 7.9% body fat – and why couldn’t I celebrate that!? Because I didn’t show that I was the best in a 9 week contest! I realize now, but still struggle with it, that it’s ok not to win and that my success is at the finish line of my weigh loss journey. Thank you again for this post!

  32. I read this post last week, and in that short span of time, the general manager at my gym asked me to take a training course to become a trainer at the gym. It’s specific to this gym (it’s a niche/boutique gym, similar to CrossFit)…I was so flattered that he’d asked me, but I immediately thought “…but I’m not a trainer!” EVEN though training people is something that I have thought about for years but never had the guts to do. The program at this gym has the power to be life changing for people. You only have 30 minutes to complete the work out and every day is different. Sometimes, the trainers cant’ even finish. It’s challenging, but so rewarding. I have arm muscles I’ve never had! So, fast forward a few days, and all of my friends were pushing me to do it…and I’m still dragging my feet. I realized today, I didn’t want people to see me fail…what if I try it and I don’t like it? What if I look silly doing all the exercises? (Sometimes I think I’m working out my arms and i’ts my back I’m really working out!) I have a LOT to learn. I decided to just rip it off like a Band-Aid and do it. Sometimes, the trainers get corrected…and I won’t know unless I try. So, I just signed up. Like right now. Here goes nothing!

  33. Leaping lizards it’s like you read my mind! I struggle with this SO much and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to hear others’ struggling too and know I’m not the only one! For me, it’s not so much that I’m afraid of losing control or afraid to fail. What it is for me is that I get my hopes up that THIS time it will work and I’ll change my life and I’ll finally be happy and then those hopes are dashed and the heart pain is so tremendous that it’s way worse than never hoping at all. I’ve been trying to reframe this by telling myself that as long as I don’t give up, keep trying, keep pressing on to the next workout, to the next choice, then I can know I’m doing all that I can and have not failed. But, it’s hard for me to wait for something to happen and worry it won’t but even harder to stop waiting when it’s EVERYTHING I want! I’ve recently been told that my cancer is back and the doctors say that it’s my own fault because I let myself get so overweight. This gives me so much shame and urgency that I cannot allow disappointment to stop me. The one year anniversary of making nutrition and fitness a priority in my life is in April. This seems like an important milestone to me but in that one year I’ve only lost 40 pounds. I still have more than 50 to go. Hannah and Olivia you lost 40 pounds in weeks, not years. So the disappointment hurts my heart whenever I think about it. But you both have talked about the importance of your mindset and it seems like that’s what you were saying in this blog too Olivia. To have the mindset that disappointment is just that, disappointment. Not failure, not life ending, but just one emotion to feel and then move on. Right? Any other tips because I’m still hurting about this. It does help so much to know I’m not the only one though – somehow that makes me feel less ashamed about it! So thank you so much for opening up this dialogue!

  34. Hi Olivia! I’ve never commented on any of your blog posts before but like so many other women, this one really resonated with me. I just started to seriously try to lose weight this January, and your (and Hannah’s) appearance in People magazine’s Half Their Size issue is what really got me started. That, and I then went back and watched your season of Biggest Loser on Hulu. πŸ™‚ I’ve lost 23 pounds so far, and I still have 67 more to go, but I’m trying really hard not to get discouraged by how long it will take, and how slow it seems. I struggle with disappointment too, and totally do the “If I don’t really try, then I won’t feel so bad if I fail” thing. But I’m trying to commit 110% to this, and decide that this WILL be the time I lose the weight. Not IF, but WHEN! Thanks for your inspiration!

  35. How do you all deal with the disappointment that doesn’t go away? I have done well with weight loss in the past, but since I have a significant amount of extra weight, there is the issue of excess skin. For those of you who have never had this issue: it’s hot, it’s hard to hide, it gets pinched during exercise, and in general is just very physically and emotionally painful. Sorry for the TMI here, but I actually prefer how I look naked when I’m fat, to when I’m thinner with all the extra skin….which is hard to deal with being young and never had a boy friend or been intimate with anyone, it makes it even harder to put myself out there. I don’t have the money to have surgery to get rid of the excess weight, so I need to learn to accept and deal with it and hope that somebody can love someone who looks like me. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Books to read or websites to go to? I’ve tried going to therapists for eating disorders, but this affects so few people, that it is hard for others to relate. Thanks for any and all suggestions.

    1. I can relate, this is the same reason I am having a hard time losing more weight. I am afraid that my body will look worse than what it does now. As for finding someone to love you the way you are, it will happen. The right person wont care about those types of things.

  36. Olivia- I guess what I’m trying to say, is given yours (and my) type A personality, how do you get over the feeling that you’ve ruined yourself? I obviously can’t go back in time, so how did you change your thinking about yourself before you had the surgery?

  37. Maybe this is my problem. That along with all the fears I have about the after math of weight loss I cannot seem to put in the effort to lose more weight. I have been stuck where I am for a couple years. I just turned 30, am getting married in October and would love to be able to break through all of this before then.

  38. Thank you for being honest & open! This post hit ME like a ton of bricks! I have spent this week going over and over my weight loss (or lack thereof, actually) “WHY” … This is it. Disappointment. I am an aspiring musical theatre performer and any time I don’t get cast I immediately blame it on my weight. “If I was skinny, they would have cast me,” I find myself saying. “They just don’t know what I can do.” I want to be healthy SO BADLY. I want to know if I have what it takes, you know? If I have the talent, I don’t want how I look to be the thing holding me back…I don’t want to stand in my own way… and yet I do. I feel like I have a ton of people in my corner, just waiting for me to say: Let’s do this. . . and I feel paralyzed by it. As if I’m disappointing them by not changing, and if I do change and don’t make it to Broadway, I’ll be an even bigger disappointment. If there’s one thing I hate it’s letting people down. . . but by letting this fear and my weight control me, I’m letting myself down every day. It’s like you were saying — I never really try because then I never really have to fail. But I never really succeed either. I want the world to see the me I am inside — but I don’t know how to find the strength and momentum to make it happen. I want to overcome…!

  39. Actually I’ve been dealing with discouragement… but i think we are on the same lines… right now I’m just fighting through it. If I prove I’m stronger than the doubt/discouragement that’s setting in… maybe, just maybe I can learn to tune it out.

    I actually just posted about it on my blog: http://narbhflaith.tumblr.com/post/20366496168/dealing-with-discouragement

    FYI you both are a huge inspiration for my own journey. Thank you for being you! I’m honored by your influence.

  40. I’m a little late to the game commenting on this, but totally relate to you and appreciate your vulnerability in this and all areas. I just read a quote today that really touched me… it was talking about motherhood and parenting but I {since I am not yet a mother} applied it to running, weight loss, and really ALL issues in my own life. “It isn’t hard because you are failing. It’s hard because it’s HARD.” Sometimes I think I’m scared to do hard things because if I do and fail, what is that ultimately saying about me. But like you say, the only way to grow is to DO those hard things and fail sometimes, learning that you are not a failure just because you failed.

    On another note, I would highly recommend the book Mindset — great when talking about these types of things. πŸ™‚

  41. I know this was posted a little while back, but I could not have come across this at a better time. I feel like I just got my ‘ah ha’ moment that you got from Bob and Jillian from reading this post. When I honestly think about it, I can relate so much to one sentence in particular. You said, “I NEVER really tried because that way if I failed it was because I did it half way & wouldn’t be disappointed.” I’m only 20 years old, but I feel like this is the story of my life, in regards to relationships, personal/professional achievement or success, and weight loss, in particular. I am so afraid of not being good enough to do something (and therefore being disappointed in myself, as well as others being disappointed in me) that I don’t really try at it, even if I know that achieving that goal would open me up to a world of happiness and endless possibilities. I will never be able to be genuinely happy until I open myself up to trying, whether I fail or succeed. I will never have anything good in my life if I am not willing to try for anything. So thank you so much for writing this blog, whether or not you ever read this, just thank you.

  42. Olivia- I know I tweeted you the day you posted this about how I needed a tissue when I was done reading it. I’ve found myself back here reading and re-reading this blog many times since then. I’m still trying to “bite off and chew” some of the meat in this post. Wow! First I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It’s evident from all the responses that a lot of people can relate. I find myself in this EXACT position right now. I’m TERRIFIED of disappointment. Throughout my life I can pinpoint situations where I gave myself over to a person or a situation out of trust or love for them and had my heart ripped out and stomped on. I’m so afraid of giving myself completely over to the process of losing weight only to face failure and once again disappointment. When I found out my husband had cheated on me and we started to get help I had to make a choice to forgive him and I had to allow myself to trust him again. I know it’s only by God’s grace that I was able to do these things but just today I realized that I deserve those things for myself too. I have to forgive myself for years of neglect and instead of being angry about it I need to make a conscious choice to trust myself. I have to trust my body and trust that I am capable of making good choices. If I would have let fear consume me then my marriage would have never survived. Same with this journey. I can’t allow fear to overwhelm me and instead I need to look to God, the ultimate source of my strength. I think I’m really truly ready to do this….. and I mean really DO THIS. Not say I’m doing it and sneak jelly beans behind the scenes. Thank you for stirring something up in me and allowing me to explore and discover issues within myself that needed to be addressed! I would LOVE your support along the way. You can follow me on twitter: TheKristinBlack or check out my You Tube Channel: BL13Kristin. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

  43. Thanks for this post. I’ve been dealing with disappointment a lot this past year. It seems everything I touch breaks. I keep trucking along because that is all you can do. Eventually something will work out. It helps though to read your post and know I am not the only person that faces disappointment. I have also been living in fear. I’ve recently had the “ahah” moment, and now I’m trying to NOT live in fear of rejection because the earth does keep spinning and I’ll keep existing. Thanks again! You and Hannah have been so inspirational. πŸ™‚ I was dealing with major life changes and disappointments during your Biggest Loser season, and I told myself if you guys could lose that weight and battle your demons, then I could deal with mine as well. Love your blog and thanks again!

  44. Reading this post just turned on a big ‘ol light bulb in my head. Fear of disappointment has been dictating how I live my life for so long. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. So much to think about now!

  45. (note: this is a little long)
    Hi! First, I can’t believe I am just now seeing that you two have a blog! Olivia- you & Hannah were my favorites on your season of BL (though, I think your season had some of the best people ever) and I gained HUGE inspiration from you both. Seriously. Even still I think “If Olivia and Hannah could do it, then I can, too!” I would watch each week and think ( or even say out loud, haha), “We should be friends! Yep, we’d totally be friends if we knew each other.” Silly, yes. But I still feel that way. πŸ™‚ I could totally identify with both of you and so greatly admired your strength and determination even though fear/insecurities were in your face the whole time. I loved watching the journey and so appreciate both of you.
    Second, this post is SO something I needed to read right now. For REAL. Wow. I had never thought of it this way: being afraid of disappointment. But that is so me right now ( and basically all my life). I was overweight most of my life until last summer. Because of my weight and very poor body image and self perception I was afraid of everything… but wanted to try everything. I am an adventurer at hear but was so trapped in fear (and fear of disappointment) that I’d just stay in the mundane/boring which I despise. Last summer, though, as an answer to years of prayers, God showed me through a book&some websites, how to change my life through eating better. Last summer I healthily lost 30 lbs by changing what I eat (I still need to lose about 15lbs of fat). I was the healthiest I’ve ever been. I felt amazingly wonderful and like I could do anything. What a great accomplishment! But then, seemingly randomly, I gained 10 lbs back early this year even though my eating has been great. But what’s interesting is that I started to gain the weight when I started to work out. I can’t afford a gym membership right now so I use dumbbells and do bodyweight stuff at home. But that is one area I’ve never, ever, ever been able to conquer- working out at home. I am so scared of failing. Sooo scared that my efforts won’t amount to anything and that I’ll just disappoint myself. And I’m thinking that my stress/fear/discouragement caused my body to go into the OLD “self protection” mode and put on some weight. Ugh. Needless to say I’m super disappointed. I’m trying to get past this but it seems to have gripped me deeper than I’d care to admit. Not sure what to do from here. And I don’t have much of a workout support system where I live now.
    So, allll of that to say: I am still so afraid of disappointing myself, my family, my friends, and God. I’m so gripped by this that it’s starting to steal some joy away. And, no, I’m no trying to be dramatic. Trying to accurately express the depth of this.
    Thank you for all that you’re doing to inspire, live fully, be vulnerable&real, and encourage others. You’re making a huge difference!
    -Lindsay Coleman (28 from LosAngeles)

    1. Hi Lindsay,
      I just wanted to respond to your post because your words echoed in my own heart and I SO related to everything you said! I feel the same way you do about the incredibly people Olivia and Hannah are and how much I feel like we would be friends. And, I know what you mean when you talk about being worried that you will disappoint the people in your life that you care about and I even have struggled like you with the idea of disappointing God. I feel like I have so much to be thankful for and that I am so blessed but then I am not honoring my creator who gave so much for me.

      But, what I wanted to say to you is that I think it is remarkable that you have already conquered so much. I think you should be so proud that you lost 30 pounds and especially that you learned healthy eating habits! It is HARD to lose 30 pounds and regardless of what has happened since, I think you should feel so proud of the accomplishment that it was! Congratulations for that!

      And, even though we’re both scared of disappointing others, we CAN someday overcome this. I am trying to make one right choice at a time and not even look at the big, worrisome picture. When I focus on just this one choice I can make, it helps me feel better about myself and sometimes (not always because it’s still so difficult for me) it helps me to keep hoping that one day I will achieve my dream of a healthy weight/fitness level. I don’t know for sure whether that day will come for me in my lifetime but as long as I keep trying to make one right choice, there is hope. And as long as I can hope, I can overcome my fear. Right?

      Anyway, I hope it’s ok that I responded to you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings! AND you are not alone in your love/admiration for Hannah and Olivia because they are incredible!

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